“Imagine briefly that some island castaway lives in isolation, having never met or spoken to an actual human being. The only cultural artifacts to divert the solitude are a copy of Richard Curtis’ 2003 London-set Christmastime ensemble comedy “Love Actually” and a map of Los Angeles. This person then writes a movie. That movie is “Valentine’s Day.” As a friend of mine noted, shell-shocked after the press screening, “I kind of like ‘Love Actually’ as a guilty pleasure, but compared to that, it’s ‘Nashville.’” That’s a convoluted set of analogies, but, trust me, they offer you far more mental stimulus than all of the sloppy, shabby, sentimental, shot-through-dishwater 125 minutes of “Valentine’s Day.”
Directed by Garry Marshall, whose slight, shameless “Pretty Woman” looks like “The Apartment” in comparison to the candy box of sticky-sweet sappiness and frothy-light nougat chunks of empty ethical dilemma of “Valentine’s Day,” the movie follows a group of Los Angeles residents through, yes, Valentine’s Day. The young florist (Ashton Kutcher) who’s just proposed to his flinty, all-bidness girlfriend (Jessica Alba). The teacher (Jennifer Garner) whose too-perfect doctor boyfriend (Patrick Dempsey) is just that. The lifelong lovers (Hector Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine) who still have surprises for each other. The young lovers whose two-week-long budding dating is disrupted when he (Topher Grace) forgets the big day and she (Anne Hathaway) hides her work as a phone sex operator. The soldier (Julia Roberts) seated next to a suit-clad smoothie (Bradley Cooper) on a flight back to Los Angeles. The randy teens (including Taylors Swift and Lautner). The anti-romantic sports reporter (Jamie Foxx) working with the romance-hating publicist (Jessica Biel) as an NFL quarterback (Eric Dane) makes an important decision. The towheaded kid (Bryce Robinson) whose somber circumstances have made him need to believe in love to a degree far beyond his years, just like Thomas Sangster in “Love Actually,” right down to the haircut.”
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